Flash Forward? October 17, 2009

While snuggling H down to sleep tonight ( in my bed no less- shock horror!) I have had various things swimming around in my head. A little scenario that kept coming back and back, and goes far beyond the persecution of home educators. A vision of the future perhaps?

 

It was prompted also by many friends I know wondering and failing to understand exactly what my problem was about ‘being registered’. 

 

Indeed, one friend, a primary school teacher, was amazed that it was legal to home educate as well as requiring no registration. 

 

Surely, she said ‘they’ should know what I intend to do when my kids are of ’school age?’ I asked why, and she replied that ‘they’ needed to know my children were being educated.

 I told her that was one of my responsibilites as a parent, and one that I didn’t undertake lightly. She shook her head sadly at me- probably wondering how she could help me see the light.

So..maybe I can help her see another light. Where parenting has to be registered. And checked. And tested. After all ‘they’ need to know that ‘parenting’ is being done just right. Probably with a curriculum and perhaps some PATS? ( That’s Parent Aptitude Tests in case she’s wondering). Perhaps the odious Gina Ford can head the review, with Jo Frost and Clare Byam-Cook eagerly weighing in with their ‘evidence’?

There is a whole raft of kids to whom this applies, that are currently ‘hidden’. Those under 5’s who have thus far escaped detection, but to whom all beady eyes will soon be turning.

So my sceanrio goes a little like this:

 

Doorbell:Ding Dong

Mrs. Smith [answers door]: Hello?

Local Parental Authority: Hello Mrs. Smith, I’m your LPA for your Parenting visit, can I come in?

Mrs. S[confused]: Parenting visit?

LPA: Yes. We wrote to you 2 weeks ago to say we were coming for your parenting review.

Mrs. S: Did you? I didn’t receive anything…

LPA: Well never mind, I need to come in now for your appointment.

Mrs. S: It’s not very convenient right now, can you come back another time?

LPA: Mrs Smith, I’m afraid you cannot refuse our visit. It’s The Law.

Mrs. S: Oh, well…er, you better come in then.

[Inside there are toys on the floor, baby Johnny is dressed in a vest and nappy. He is chewing on a mug coaster while attempting to crawl into a washing basket].

LPA: Hmmm.

Mrs. S: So what do you need to know?

LPA: Well I need to have a chat with little Jenny…

Mrs. S : Johnny.

LPA: Pardon me?

Mrs. S : His name is Johnny, and he’s a boy.

LPA: Er…quite. I need to check you are parenting ‘Johnny’ in a suitable and efficient manner, and I need to have your report for your expected parenting objectives for the next year. Oh and I need to interview Johnny too. Alone, or with a trusted individual.

Mrs. S: Er…right…well…

LPA: Let’s get straight to it. Parenting. [eyes up soggy coaster] Do you provide Johnny with suitable educational toys, bought with safety in mind and tailored for individual aptitude?

Mrs. S :  Um…He plays with a wide range of things. Children’s toys, but also daily household things- jugs, wooden spoons, that sort of thing. He loves my hairbrush….. ( tails off when she sees LPA’s raised eyebrow)

LPA: I see.[scribbles furiously] Let’s talk about clothes. I assume he does have some?

Mrs. S: Of course! I was just getting him dressed when you rang the doorbell. I…I…I  can show you if you like…

LPA: I’m sure I believe you Mrs. S…Now onto feeding. I am assuming he’s weaned now. He’s…( checks notes) ahh 7 months… you must be really going well with the puree then?

Mrs. S: Well we have been taking his lead really. He eats finger foods when he wants but mostly he still prefers breastmilk.

LPA: Finger foods? Breastmilk? Mrs. Smith, surely you realise you don’t have to still breastfeed? And I don’t think finger foods are particularly suitable. What would Annabel Karmel say?

Mrs. S: We are both happy with baby-led weaning and breastfeeding….

LPA: Well it might be worth putting in the report when you intend to stop, as a goal to work towards. [wags finger] You don’t want a clingy child now!

Mrs S: I’m sure we won’t…

LPA [interrupting]: Righty onwards…We need to decide what you intend to manage parenting-wise over the next year. Over to you Mrs. Smith- what are your goals?

Mrs. S: I …er…I hadn’t really thought about it. I wanted to go with the flow and go at Johnny’s pace really. I wanted him to develop and learn the things he wanted to learn.

LPA: Ahh there’s a problem there you see, Mrs Smith. We need to know how Johnny is doing and if he is doing it the same as all the other kids. We have attainment charts to tick off.  Shall I start? These are standard things…hmmm let me see, we are a little late in getting to you- a shortage of LPA’s you see. So from 7 months to 19months…ahh. How about these: crawling, walking, teething, feeding with cutlery, talking at least 50 words, ooh and potty training. How does that sound Mrs Smith?

Mrs. S: Are you serious?

LPA: Of course my dear. We need to know that you are able to provide a parenting curriculum for Johnny, that prepares him for school, then a job later on. We need to know you are up to the task and are keeping him safe. That reminds me- do you have socket covers and baby gates?

Mrs. S: Teething? Potty training?

LPA: Yes my dear. Although…it is often a little difficult to do a PAT on potty training, but often we just require you to show us the finished product in the potty. Which we can take away to DNA test. We don’t want any cheating do we? [Chuckles].

Mrs. S  [faintly]: A PAT?

LPA: Yes, Johnny will need to undertake some PATS at the end of the year. We need to know if you have achieved your goals, and our rigorous testing can show us if Johnny is attaining the standard you have set for him. If not ( lowers voice), we can issue a Mandatory Daycare Order.

Mrs. S: A what?

LPA: An MDO. If it appears that Johnny needs more professional parenting, we can make you send him to a Daycare Provider. After all, they are the experts. They know everything there is to know about parenting. In fact..I see a day where the  Daycare Provision will be compulsory from 6 weeks, and where everyone will send their children!

Mrs. S: Oh my God! I need a drink…

LPA : You like a drink in the day then? Hmmm I better get onto interviewing Johnny to see what he thinks of his mother drinking…

Mrs. S: I meant water, I feel a little ill….

LPA: Oh. Well, anyway, I need to interview Johnny. Without you.

Mrs. S: I’m not sure that Johnny will be happy with me leaving you with him…

LPA: Well…what about your designated ‘Safe Adult?’

Mrs. S : My what?

LPA: Someone whom you can leave him, but isn’t you or your husband. In case you try to answer for him.

Mrs. S: He’s 7 months old…

LPA: Do you have someone? Health Visitor? Daycare Provider?

Mrs. S : He doesn’t go to any daycare, and he doesn’t really know the Health Visitor, we haven’t been to her since he was 6 weeks old.

LPA: Why not?

Mrs. S: Well…it’s not compulsory, and I felt we were doing fine on our own. She’s there if we need her, but we haven’t so far.

LPA: Hmmm. So little Johnny doesn’t have an adult he can confide in?  He’s quite the hidden child, isn’t he Mrs Smith?

Mrs. S [shaking head vigorously]: Nooo..we go to lots of mother and baby groups, singing, swimming, breastfeeding support groups. We have a busy life, really.

LPA: A-ha so you don’t parent him mostly in your home then? He doesn’t seem to have a set routine at all.

Mrs. S: He’s 7 months old…He’s doing great the way we are raising him.

LPA: Well that’s for me to decide, Mrs Smith. I think I have enough evidence about you and your parenting to make my report. I shall let you know our judgement on your suitability to parent in due course. Have a good day!

Mrs. S [confused and frantic]: Wait! Stop! NOOOO!!

***

I wonder if my friend would even get it then?